Your job doesn’t need you.
You need an exit strategy
It’s time to take your Mondays back, and these tips and tricks will give you the confidence and know-how to avoid all responsibilities that society tells you are “necessary” and “grounds for keeping your job”. With the panache of Cyrano de Bergerac, the National Sparks Department provides the language you need to justify to your boss, your coworkers, and let’s be honest, yourself, that showing up to work on Monday is non negotiable. We are also proud to offer a dreamboard of ephemeral inspiration for you to work up the courage to follow through with conserving your Mondays.
Random Excuse Generator
Dear INSERT BOSS NAME,
Due to deeply personal reasons relating to my family - specifically a very sick/old/estranged family member - I won’t be able to come into work today.
However, I will be in tomorrow (Tuesday) but I will unfortunately not be able to discuss any of the juicy details surrounding this mysterious situation.
INSERT YOUR NAME
PLAY A LOUD BEEPING SOUND
“HEY, BOSS! I’m having a real tough time today.”
DROP METAL PAN ONTO FLOOR.
“The plumber just got here so I can’t talk long, but I’m gonna get to work as soon as I can.”
HIT PIPES WITH A WRENCH
“Oh no! None of that stuff is supposed to get wet! Boss, are you still there??”
MAKE THE SOUND OF ELECTRICITY WITH YOUR MOUTH
“Jeez, guys - how much is this going to cost me?! Hey boss, I gotta get off the phone because we’re about to lose power over here - but a little advice: never get a cat. Ok, see you tomorrow.”
iF yOu aRe reaDing thiS, then i hAve hacKed the eMail aDDress oF (INSERT YOUR FULL NAME). I have extorted your friend or colleague or perhaps employee for a TON OF MONEY! However, I do have some morals, so I just want to let you know that due to the nature of this really INVOLVED hack, this person will probably need to take the whole day off - just to deal with this whole fiasco. So you should definitely cut this person some slack and expect them back to work tomorrow. Hope you understand….iF u dOn’T I WiLL hAck U nExt!!!
Hello Mrs./Mr. (BOSS LAST NAME)
It’s (YOUR NAME)
Hope everything is good with (PROPER NOUN).
I know the budget is (ADJECTIVE), so I am going to spend the day at home and think of the (ADJECTIVE)est solution.
It is going to (VERB) our business.
I’m sure I will be able to improve the (NOUN).